


a bit of a crisis

by lokh



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dysphoria, Gen, Genderfluid, Genderqueer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-07 10:10:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1118648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokh/pseuds/lokh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By the seventh day, you were a 6 foot monster, had lost pretty much all your pudge, were still shorter than Jade and closely resembled a yeti when you missed even one of your daily twelve shaves. Or: for John Egbert, having growth spurts and being genderfluid can be hard at times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a bit of a crisis

**Author's Note:**

> Posted originally on my tumblr (with illustrations!) here: http://lokhkhee.tumblr.com/post/70470551033/being-both-bara-and-genderfluid-can-be-hard-at
> 
> tw: dysphoria and ableist slurs

The growth spurt happened within a week.

It started with your shoes. You’d walked around barefoot when your feet wouldn’t fit in them anymore, and Jade had peered down at you skeptically before commenting, “you smell like sweaty socks.” Dave didn’t seem to notice your change in height (since he floats above you guys anyway) and he’d taken one pointed look at your feet before never bringing it up, ever.

At least, you’re assuming he’d looked at your feet. It’s hard to tell.

The next day, your clothes had gotten too tight. Your limbs ached and you’d been perfectly willing to lie down and watch movies all day (not that you wouldn’t have done so otherwise!) and about five back-to-back viewings of Ghostbusters later, Jade marched right up to you and resized all your clothes, saying, “you should’ve told me if your clothes didn’t fit, mister! Your feet really stink!” Then she’d forced you to stand up in front of her. After a moment of silence, she looked pleased, and said, “you’re not quite taller than me yet!” You don’t think you’re ever going to be taller than her, but you were pretty sure at that point that you had to weigh more.

When she managed to wrangle Dave down to stand (?) next to you, it was clear that you’d surpassed him in height ages ago, and he’d squawked in indignation.

“I don’t even have legs!” he protested, unconsciously starting to float away as Jade let go of his tail, “you coulda taken a whole foot off my height. Two feet, in fact. You took two whole goddamn feet offa my height and you ain’t even sorry for it. The little mermaid’s out there cryin’ as we speak, she didn’t ask for this, she can’t even bust out some sweet-ass rhymes and some sick trash think it’s alright to make sure she can’t walk the walk either, her hot prince is out there but she can’t even grope his plush rump because she’s drowning on the fucking shore, weather’s startin’ to look cloudy with a chance of seafoam…”

His voice trailed off as he floated off into another room. When you’d all regrouped for a video game, he was still mumbling under his breath.

Two days later, Jade threw her hands up into the air and flipped the fuck out. Once she’d realized that, having resized your clothes at least seven times in the past couple of days, you were growing out of your clothes pretty much every time you blinked, she said, “I’m not upsizing shit until you’re done growing!” You’d laughed and scratched your neck a bit, hand brushing against the stubble quickly forming along your jaw.

Thus, she and Dave took to watching you from behind the couch and the table (and in Dave’s case, sometimes halfway through a wall), staring at you in fascinated horror and commenting like you were a moose in a nature documentary. You told them to knock it off, and your voice cracked pretty embarrassingly, but when those two traitors started laughing Dave cawed real loudly and Jade may or may not have either snorted or barked, so your prankster’s gambit ended up being the better for it. (Not against Jade, though. That girl’s pranks are full-on! Dave, on the other hand, suspects _nothing_.)

By the seventh day, you were a 6 foot monster, had lost pretty much all your pudge, were still shorter than Jade (who had a sudden growth spurt the year before and got _even taller_ ) and closely resembled a yeti when you missed even one of your daily twelve shaves. Of course, you hadn’t realized you would at the time, so you’d gone and missed it, and Jade laughed at you and said you looked like a werewolf. (“But a pretty one!” she’d added, which, still, excuse you? She’s part _dog._ Though, now that you think about it, you’re not sure what to make of her statement…) Dave looked like he wasn’t sure whether to run away or be jealous. (If you’d paid more attention, you would have recognized this as his ‘I’d be worried about this boner I’ve got but I lived with Bro Strider so eh’ face. Alas, you had been in far too much pain that week. Puberty was both kind and exceedingly cruel.)

All in all, it had been pretty funny in the beginning. Voice cracking, beard growing – you felt almost like a regular kid. Like you weren’t trapped on a magic ship in an alternate universe dimension thing and you weren’t on a quest to save the multiverse. Completely normal.

That was then. You’d identified and presented as male then.

Now, you’re facing a bit of a crisis.

"John, you’re fine," Jade insists, and you heave a gross and wet sounding sob into the crook of your elbow and you regret everything. “You still look great in that dress! Look, I upsized it a bit for you! It finally fits in the chest area!"

You laugh, but it’s a desperate and wheezing sort of sound, and both of you wince. Jade’s ears are pressed flat against her head, and your glasses are on the floor and you’re not looking at her, not when you’re crying for what’s quite possibly the stupidest reason since entering a literally life-changing game that could destroy literally everything. You don’t know what you ever did to deserve this, but you do know that you shouldn’t deserve this and that the universe is clearly whacked when it comes to giving all the luck. You can name several people who deserve less luck than you at the moment!

It just happened so quickly. Maybe if the change had been more gradual, you would’ve been fine. Up until now you were fine. You were a short, chubby kid, with soft curly hair and soft cheeks. Presenting any way you wanted hadn’t been a big deal or a lot of trouble, and all in all it was pretty sweet deal. Sure, carrying around hammers all the time was starting to make your arms thicker, but it was something to rejoice when you felt more masculine and nothing to worry about when you were more feminine, and either way, you would never have thought that you’d turn into a _fucking bear_.

Now you can barely pass through doorways without actually smacking something against the doorframe. The ship is still pretty cramped when it comes to flying, but you’ve never actually _not_ been able to fly in the ship, but now you can’t. The last time you tried, you’d flown straight into Dave and bowled the both of you right over. He’d pretty much broken your arm for landing on his wing. But more than that, flying wasn’t the same anymore. Flying used to make you feel light, weightless – now you just feel like a dangerous projectile. A huge, bulky projectile that weighs half a ton.

Now, presenting female or hoping to look even slightly feminine was a quest in and of itself. There’s not exactly anything feminine about 40 something inch shoulders. (Jade had measured. To be fair, you were pretty excited about it at the start, but you’d rather be closer to neutral than have it one way or the other.) You’re too big and everything is too small. Dave and Jade (and Rose, if she were here) would probably rant your ear off about how what’s feminine and what’s not shouldn’t be dictated by society and it’s the identity that counts, but frankly, it doesn’t change the fact that you feel like complete and utter shit and there’s nothing more you’d like right now than to go back to how everything was before.

At the same time, it was pretty much inevitable from the start – your Dad is huge, and keeps literal _tonnes_ of shaving cream for a good reason. _Was_ , huge, you mean. You think maybe he knew about your genderfluidity all along, or at least suspected something. You weren’t exactly trying to hide it – it wasn’t something to hide! Still, you’d never told him, but when there were days you put a bit of makeup on or dressed up a bit girlier, or sometimes mixed it up a bit, Dad never called you ‘son’ and made extra sure to tell you that he was proud of you. He’d taught you how to shave, not just your face but also your legs and by the end of it you’d had shaving cream in your ears and nose. You wish you’d kept more of his shaving cream. You wish you’d told him.

God, you’ve been on this ship for a year and a half already! You’ve had plenty of time to get sentimental!

“S-Sorry,” you try for a casual laugh, but you end up hiccupping, “I’m just. This is so fucking stupid. It’s totally unfair. I don’t. I just,” you let out a strangled scream, but your voice fucking cracks and you hate everything more for it, “why me? Why _now?_ I mean, it’d suck any other time but we are literally playing a game that could destroy everything in the universe. I can’t even do anything about it, this is just plain stupid and-“

She slaps you. It wasn’t very hard at all, but it still stings a little when she takes her hand away, and _holy crap, is she crying?_ At a wet inhale you snap your eyes up, alarmed, did you do something wrong again, and Jade is frowning, trying to keep her lip from quivering, and then she’s shaking you by the shoulders as if to compensate and shake the sad out.

“You’re not being stupid, John!! Gosh, we’d never think that! If it’s important to you, then that’s all that matters! You’re right, John, you don’t deserve this, and it’s not fair at all, but you can do something about it, everything is going to be fine! Don’t cry, you’re making _me_ cry!”

Where there should be a sad emoticon at the end of her sentence, she hugs you instead, and her arms are tight around your neck and you feel like you’re choking but you don’t think it’s her fault. Even with you both sprawled on the floor, she’s taller than you, and for a moment, you feel a little better. Right now, she refuses to budge, and you know she’s strong, but now, you might be able to throw her off. You don’t want to. For a moment you want to allow yourself to be weak, you kinda want to just collapse into her and cry for a bit (not that you haven’t already been doing that) but you can’t, and everything starts to feel _wrong_.

She’s softer against you than you remember her being, the fabric of the dress tighter around your waist and shoulders and your frame is unmistakably bulkier. You think you may have ripped a seam, and wouldn’t that just be wonderful. The dress, bright and blue, has been your favourite since, well, forever, and Dad said it used to belong to his mom. (There’s no way he didn’t know.) It used to make you feel pretty. Now you feel like you’re suffocating in your own body, and you just want it to _stop_ , but it won’t, and you don’t know how to make it better, and you want to scream. When you push Jade away, she doesn’t look offended. Her hand is still firm on your arm. She understands. You trust her.

Everyone knows, obviously. You couldn’t have kept it from Rose, even if you’d tried. There’s no way you wouldn’t tell Dave. But Jade was the first one you’d told. She must have said something, and you’d replied something like, “only sometimes; other times it can be a girl to girl talk,” and she’d asked you what you meant so you told her. God, was she excited. And you were excited too! She told you she felt like she wasn’t really a girl, and soon she went back saying for sure that she’s genderqueer. You didn’t exactly know many people at the time that weren’t, well, cis. (Now you know Dave and Rose, and Vriska had said something to you once about her and Terezi. You’re not quite sure how it works with trolls. You didn’t ask.) Growing up, she was like a sister to you (or brother. She didn’t mind either). She understood, but at the same time, it was completely different, and you both got that.

“Sorry,” you say again, wiping your eyes furiously. She huffs and smacks you lightly on the arm.

“Stop saying sorry! It’s not like you,” and what exactly is that supposed to mean? “You’ll be fine, John. It’ll get better. You’re great the way you are! No one will mind. If you identify as a girl, they’ll see a girl. Muscles can totally be girly. Look at me. My muscles are totally femme!”

She pulls up her sleeve to flex her bicep and you laugh. Somewhere on the ship, you can almost hear Dave parroting his brother and Rose ( _parroting_ ; you can almost hear him caw angrily), going on about perpetuating sexist notions of gender and heteronormativity. ‘Destroy the patriarchy!’ he’d yelled at you once (the not feathery Dave, you mean). ‘Ooh, Mr. Strider!’ you’d said.

You almost bowl Jade over laughing when she pulls you up to stand in front of her. You look up at her, and you don’t quite beam at her, but you’re getting there. You’ll probably think this is great later, anyway, or at least a bit more apathetic to it. You hope so, at least. When you calm down a bit, you’ll realize the only way to move is forward. Right now, though…

“Yeah. I’ll be okay.”

She grins, and she takes your hand, leading you out to the living room. The ship feels a little less claustrophobic, and seems to be warmer and brighter. (If it was anything otherwise before, it may have been your fault.) Sitting over on the couch, perched beside Nannasprite and chewing on one of her cookies, Dave looks over at you, face impassive. He swallows, and, taking another pause to glance over you, says, “Nice hairbow, Egbert. You look cute.”

Your hand flies up to your head and drat, Jade had gotten the best of you! She snickers, and you huff, but you can’t hold it against her, and Dave cracks a smile when you join in laughing.

“Come on, this game ain’t gonna play itself.”

He scoots over, and you sit in-between him and Jade. He slides his hand into yours, and usually you’d tease him for being so mushy, but right now you’re grateful for it, and you squeeze his hand back.

“Hoo hoo hoo! I see you’ve finally grown into my old dress, John!”

And holy shit, you’d forgotten Nanna was there, oh god please let the floor swallow him up _right now_ , and she’s off hooting while Jade guffaws (honest to god _guffaws_ ) and you don’t screech, no you don’t, but Dave sure does, and you’re not quite sure how it happens but you all end up a laughing, shrieking mess by the end of it, and you think you’ll be alright.


End file.
